Happibacter vanderwerfalis Rachel Vander Werf
Happibacter was recently isolated in a student microbiology lab at the University of Missouri- Rolla. Stumbled upon while performing an experiment involving Bacillus subtilis. Believed to be in the Bacillus family and the cousin of Bacillus cereus. Name derived from 'hap' which means chance and 'y' for fortune. Characteristics of this microorganism are unique. Complete characterization has not been satisfactorily determined as of yet. Test positive on most tests, i.e.: Gram stain, Catalase, ONPG, Nitrite Reduction, Urease, MR-VP, Indole, and Oxidase. These results are somewhat puzzling. It is believed probable that this microbe has the capacity to reform itself. This plays as somewhat of a joke on those who are analyzing this species.
Optimal growing conditions: grows in tropic temperatures, accompanied by lighthearted music and or singing. Also been observed in some occasions to grow well at fireside dining accompanied by an ftalian violin. Grows best when surrounded by horseplay. Has yet to be found in a dull environment. Metabolizes festive blends of pizza and snickers. Has a unique fermentation process called the Hamilton Fermentation: process where pizza is fermented to alcohol. Contains a Tina complex whose function has not yet been fully characterized but been known to set ethanol aflame.
Size characterization has been strangely compared to that of candy. Smallest size is noted as little giggles, otherwise know as nerds. The largest size seen was about the size of jelly bellies - otherwise known as jolly bellies. Tricked biologist into thinking that it was anoxic when holding its breath. Was later caught off guard and found to be a true aerobe.
Has what is known as the Gulley characteristic: always complements before requesting a favor. For example, "Dr. Westenberg, that's a nice shirt ... Can we move the test?" Another recognizable property unique to this organism is the Kinkead effect: a creative streak characterized by common reoccurrence of off the wall comments and jokes, for example: diarrhea is a genetic disorder / it runs in your genes.
Ticklish spots have not been isolated as of yet but from the genetic makeup we are sure they ire there. Dances on cloud nine to the 'jig'. Seen at varies celebrity parties introducing itself as Bacter .... Happi -Bacter and requesting martinis .... shaken not stirred. Life of the party. Combusts into rapturous tunes such as, 'Some enchanted evening' at any given moment. Giggles at inopportune times. Slaphappy disposition known to cause sourpusses to become annoyed. If in response to this they happen to be slapped the bacteria will spontaneously reproduce. Now these unfortunate grouches have two Happibacter to contend with. This bacterium only lives until age five (five days, respectively), upon which time they die due to the fact that at this age they now are required to maintain a diet based entirely on brussel sprouts and broccoli.
*Disclaimer - This report was written by a student participaring in a microbiology course at the Missouri University of Science and Technology. The accuracy of the contents of this report is not guaranteed and it is recommended that you seek additional sources of information to verify the contents.
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