Gary L Bertrand
Professor Emeritus of Chemistry
Missouri University of Science and Technology

"Lead me not into Temptation, I can find it for Myself."

"The first words you learn in any new language are the cuss words and the food."

"Less is more, but less is more difficult than it looks"
Grant Snider in Incidental Comics

"Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do."
Oscar Wilde

"Where are we going?  And why am I in this handbasket?"

"Windows is to Macintosh as transvestite is to female."

"Although there are more Microsoft Windows users than Macintosh users, we would like to remind you that there are far more cockroaches than people."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"
Mitch Ratliffe in Technology Review.

"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the
  things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done."
  Andy Rooney

"This drive cannot be formatted because the drive is not formatted."

"God Bless those pagans." Homer Simpson

"My karma just ran over your dogma!"

"I never wanted to be famous, I just wanted to be great."
Ray Charles

"Before you criticize someone,you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, they don't hear
you, and you have their shoes."

"The best teacher is an ignorant man thinking."

"We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it
than we do from learning the answer itself."
 Lloyd Alexander

"The problem with theories is that they are either too good to be true, or too true to be good." F.A.Cotton

"The instructor's knowledge of the material is sufficient to be confusing."
on one of my Teacher Evaluation comment sheets

"Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused, but on a higher level." E. Fermi

"One must learn by doing the thing, for though you think you know it, you have no certainty until you try." Sophocles

“Remember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.” Mythbusters

"People often stumble over the truth, but most get up, dust themselves off and continue on their ways."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for human stupidity." Red Green

"If we were all the same, some of you would be unnecessary."

"Send that to the Dept. of RedundancyDept."

"In this house, the laws of thermodynamics will be obeyed."
Homer Simpson

"The practice of Chemical Thermodynamics is simply a matter of finding the proper wrench to pound on the right screw."

"Anything worth doing is worth doing slow."

"Accustomed to the veneer of noise, to the shibboleths of promotion, public relations, and market research,society is suspicious of those who value silence." John Lahr

"Some people dream of success...while others wake up and work hard at it."

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."   --Max Ehrmann

 "It is hard work and great art to make life not so serious.
Keep passing the open windows...."
John Irving, "The Hotel New Hampshire"

"Never play Leap-Frog with a Unicorn"

"I'll believe that crop� circles may have an extra-terrestrial origin when one is found in a marijuana field."

"Good judgement comes from experience,and a lot of that comes from bad judgement." Will Rogers

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room."

"A woman drove me to drink and I forgot to thank her."

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."  Steven Wright

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail."  Abraham Maslow

"If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

"It is not denial - I am just very selective on what I choose to believe is reality."

"I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either."

"Nothing exists, but atoms and empty space.
All else is conjecture." Democritus

 "Perfection is achieved,not when there is nothing more
  to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
                              - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Life is Complex. It has both real and imaginary parts."

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." Henry Ford

"You will find that a great many truths depend on your point of view."
Obi Wan Kenobi

"There's nothing right in my left brain,
and there's nothing left in my right brain."

"There are only 10 types of people in the world - Those
who understand binary, and those who don't."

"There are only three types of people in the world - Those
who can count and those whocan't."

"There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types,
and those who don't."

"There are two types of people: those who are forgetful..."

"There are three kinds of males.There is one who
can read and learn. There are a couple who can heed
the words of others. And there is the vast majority
who just have to try peeing on the electric fence."

"There are two theories to arguing with women;
neither one works."

"There are two secrets to success.
1. Don't tell people everything you know."

"The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people
make up 75% of the world's population."

"Five out of four people have a problem with fractions."

"Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places."

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves,
for they shall never cease to be amused."

"Someone who thinks logically
provides a nice contrast to the real world."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others."

"If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does." Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana" Groucho Marx

"Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once"

"Why was c selected to symbolize the speed of light, when z is obviously the fastest letter
in the alphabet?"  TomRobbins "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates"

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"Steven Wright

"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes." Lewis Grizzard

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose. Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free."Kris Kristofferson

"Nothing is too wonderful to be true." Michael Faraday

"The world will not perish for want of wonders but for want of wonder"

"The Beauty of the Universe consists not only of unity in variety, but also of variety in unity. --Umberto Eco,The Name of the Rose

"Not only is the universe stranger than you imagine,
It's stranger than you can imagine."Arthur C. Clarke

"It's over, and can't be helped, and that's one consolation, as they always say in Turkey, when they cut the wrong man's head off'' --
Charles Dickens

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.' "

"We thought we knew the answers,but it was the questions we had wrong"

"The highest reward for man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it." John Ruskin(1819-1900):

" ... after a few more flashes in the pan, we shall hear very little more of Edison or his electric lamp.Every claim he makes has been tested and proved impracticable."
[New York Times, January 16,1880]

"A laser can be so powerful as to destroy a tank, or so precise as to do eye surgery, provided one changes the setting from 'vaporize tank'."

"The difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers: ME's build weapons, CE's build targets."

"If all our common-sense notions about the universe were correct, then science would have solved the secrets of the universe thousands of years ago. The purpose of science is to peel back the layer of the appearance of the objects to reveal their underlying nature. In fact, if appearance and essence were the same thing, there would be no need for science."
Michio Kaku in "Hyperspace"

"Art starts with common objects - paper, paint, words, sounds, materials - and seeks to create works that inspire wonder and awe.  Science starts with wonderful and awesome observations and seeks to explain them in terms of common underlying principles.For science, wonder and awe is the beginning; for art, it is the end."
Tom O'Haver

 "One purpose of a liberal arts education is to make your head a more interesting place to live inside of for the rest of your life."
Mary Patterson McPherson, Presidentof Bryn Mawr College

"Don't try to out-weird me. I find stuff weirder than you in my breakfast  cereal!" --
bumper sticker

And now for some Lame Latin:

"Carpe Rodentum! - Seize the mouse!"

"Illegitimi non carborundum!- Don't let the bastards grind you down!"

"Absolutum obsoletum - if it works, it's out of date." Stafford Beer

"Veni, Vedi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around."

"Cogito, Ergo Sweet Potato. - I think, therefore I yam."

Fractured French:

"Jeanne d'Arc - There's no light in the bathroom."

"Coup de Grace - mow zee lawn."

and scrambled translations:

"I sweet potato what I sweet potato."
  Tom Robbins on Popeye,translated into Japanese and back into English.